Dear Mr Junior Prime Minister, who do you think you are kidding?  Look at you, with your face like a Cameron replicant and the views to match, you’re like a talking mirror that reassures Call Me Dave that everything is fine.  Besides that, I can’t actually see any reason why you’re still hanging around, you don’t do anything practical and you seem to have a knack for alienating your party and all those who voted for you.

You call yourself a Liberal, but what does that really mean to you?  You certainly don’t seem to have much in common with your namesake party who don’t seem to be very happy with what’s going on.  You constantly trumpet the virtues of the coalition government, but that doesn’t mean you should agree with every single policy.  Your party doesn’t.

Let’s face it, the coalition government was born out of convenience, not agreement, yet you seem to forget this on a regular basis.  Has all this time spent playing with the big boys gone to your head?

I know you got a great deal out of the coalition talks; you gave the Tories all the power they wanted and they agreed to let you watch, albeit from the safe distance of your offices, not Downing Street.  When the Prime Minister goes on holiday, you get to do some of the shit that isn’t worth his time, although you’re not filling in for him, you’re just getting some mileage out of your role as junior Prime Minister.

It must be somewhat upsetting for you, knowing that Peter Mandelson had more power and responsibility in the previous government when Gordon Brown went away than you do now.

Which brings me nicely to my next point: Yes Nick, there was a Labour government for 13 years and yes, they made some mistakes – nobody’s perfect – but you have to now acknowledge that that is over.  Please stop using Labour as a way of avoiding any difficult decisions your Conservative government has to make, they’ve been in power for 101 days now, and there’s still 5 years left, I’d say it’s time to take responsibility.

It’s time to admit that your role is ultimately meaningless and all you have achieved is to hand power to the Conservatives.  It’d be much easier to believe your rhetoric if any Lib Dem plans actually amounted to something, but so far, there’s been very little of that.

Can you please just do the country – and your party – a favour; switch sides officially, you’re already a Tory in all but name, step away from the Liberal Democrats and allow them repair the image you have damaged so much.  It’s the best thing you can do.