Ever wondered exactly why humanity is the worst thing to happen to Earth?  Then look no further.  That’s right, it’s the return of everybody’s favourite cephalopod; Paul, the ‘psychic’ octopus.

The football world cup nonsense was enough, but now, the idiotic worship of a fucking octopus has become much, much worse.  I’ll tell you, I breathed a sigh of relief when it was ‘retired’ in July and assumed nothing would ever be heard of this idiocy ever again.  It would appear that I was wrong.

Now the octopus is ‘predicting’ that England will be the host nation of the 2018 football world cup (I’m booking my ticket out of here if it happens) and – this is the worst part – has now been signed to a book and film deal.  Can anybody else see a problem with this?

At what point did people surrender their collective ability to think?  Paul is a fucking octopus, a creature with roughly the same level of intelligence of a cat.  I know what some people might be saying at this point – “oh, that’s pretty smart”, well no, it isn’t, cats are morons and so are you.  Much like cats, octopuses don’t understand anything that humans do and certainly don’t have the ability or awareness required to predict future events.  In fact, an octopus wouldn’t even be able to understand the difference between regional flags or colours.

But it seems to me that the real problem here is people.  The octopus, psychic or otherwise, has absolutely no awareness of what’s happening in the world, nor the shrieking, hysterical duncery that surrounds its every move.   It’s people, who are willing to accept and/or believe that the octopus A. Gives a shit and B. Is capable of knowing what the football world cup is.

According to the BBC “Former England star John Barnes said: “Paul becoming an official ambassador is a tremendous for the bid campaign.”" well, now that a footballer has acknowledged the octopus’ endorsement, it can’t all be utter bullshit.  Footballers are the thinking man’s athletes right? as opposed to violent, thoughtless rapists.

And while we’re quoting people, what about the braindead German woman who said “I think the public need something to believe in when there’s things going on that they’re not sure about, it’s nice to have something positive”.  If it’s positivity you’re looking for, why not stop to look at the lillies in the god damn field?  Also, in what way is an octopus arbitrarily choosing coloured cubes something positive?  There are plenty of adjectives I can think of to describe it – stupid, bizarre, fucking deranged – but certainly not positive.

It should also be  pointed out that the vast majority of Paul’s fans are also football fans and I think there’s a connection, although stupidity is not exclusive to football.

In the words of Bill Hicks, humanity is a “virus with shoes”, which is definitely applicable in this case.  Selectively culling the population is never a good idea, but next time one of these mouth breathers steps out in front of your car, please think twice applying the brakes.